Well-being Experiment #014. Supporting Each Other Through Grief & Loss

7 min readMay 21, 2020

Hi friends & family,

This weekend one my closest friends lost her amazing Dad, Art Kleinstein. Art was a truly special person, someone all of our friends got to know and love on annual ski trips to their home in Vail. He cared so much about his family as well as his community. You couldn’t go anywhere with Art without him saying hello to at least 8 or 9 different people along the way. And he didn’t just say hello, he took an interest in other’s lives on a deeply personal level. I know Art will be truly missed by so many.

Since I have heard the devastating news, I’ve been immobilized and unsure of the best way to be there for my friend during this challenging time. This is a truly one of a kind friend who jumped on a plane from Denver to NY to spend less than 12 hours just to attend my brother’s funeral 3 year ago. My friend Shoshi said it best, during “normal” times Art’s funeral would have filled a football stadium, but with social distancing, right now that isn’t possible. So, all we can do is do our best to be there for my friend and her incredible family in the ways we can from a distance.

Last year, two years after losing my brother I shared some lessons learned from grief, most of which are applicable to today’s pandemic. I encourage you to check that out if you’re going through a difficult time right now. In addition, today’s guest post couldn’t have come at a better time as my friend Allie Finkel, LCSW shares her wisdom again, this time on the topic of grief and supporting others through their various losses during the pandemic. Thank you, Allie, yet again for sharing your words with us.

Sending love & light, and remembering & celebrating Art today,

Tracy

PS — If you’re just joining or were forwarded this email, you can subscribe here and look for these emails in your inbox every Wednesday & Sunday. I’ve included links below to my prior emails by topic.

Guest Post #005. Supporting Each Other through Grief & Loss by Allie Finkel, LCSW

When people think of a loss, they often think of death. Loss can include many things, however, which is becoming more and more apparent as we all adjust to the new realities of what life looks like during this pandemic. The most important thing to remember when considering loss, and the grief that accompanies it, is that it will look different for everyone. Grief has many stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and finding meaning. Some people may feel anger and then denial; some may feel depression and then bargaining. It depends on the individual, and it depends on the loss. You cannot make someone grieve in the same way as you, and you cannot rush people through the stage they are in. We are all mourning the loss of something right now, so it is necessary to be kind & compassionate to each other and ourselves through this process.

Regardless of what the loss is, you can support someone (or yourself!) by meeting them where they are, by creating & holding space, and by acknowledging & validating their feelings and experience. Meeting people where they are means listening without agenda or trying to place your own feelings onto that person. It means starting with what the person is truly telling you, rather than trying to force them to feel better or differently, no matter how hard that might be to watch. Creating and holding space means providing a space free of judgment for your loved one to unload, release, and be seen/ heard. It means sitting with their discomfort and not trying to fix or change it but rather, bearing witness to their suffering. Acknowledging and validating means helping your loved one to name his emotions, recognizing that those feelings exist and that there is good reason that they do. Then, it means giving permission and accepting that the feelings are there. It means telling your loved one that it’s okay to feel things, even if they are difficult.

Examples of each of these important ways to support below:
1) Loss of normalcy. Your loved one tells you that he misses going to work, to going out to eat, to seeing his parents and friends. He tells you he hates this and wishes it would end.

Meeting him where he is could look like: “This is all so much and it seems like you’re having a hard time.”
Creating & holding space could look like: “Tell me more about how you’re feeling. I am here to listen and to hear you.”
Acknowledging & validating could look like: “Life is so different now and it’s making you miss the life you had before. It sounds like you are feeling sadness and loneliness. I feel it too. It makes sense and is okay to feel the way you’re feeling.”

By doing this, we show our loved ones that we can handle their grief and that they can handle it, too.

2) Loss of a person. Someone you love loses a parent, a sibling, a friend to coronavirus. She tells you this is horribly unfair and they can’t even have a funeral.

Meeting her where she is could look like: “You’re right. This is horrible. Nothing can fix this right now. This isn’t fair.”
Creating & holding space could look like sitting with her on Facetime or over the phone while she cries. Listening to her while she shares her pain with you.
Acknowledging & validating could look like: “Losing someone you love is always hard, and especially so now. You are grieving and this is the most painful thing that could be happening. Feeling angry, feeling sad,wishing it was different are completely valid feelings.”

After you have done the above, in situations where you are trying to support someone ASKING for suggestions on how to grieve in the absence of ability to have funeral/ normal grieving rituals:

Encourage the person you love to record her thoughts in a journal. Releasing thoughts and feelings on paper can be an extremely powerful release.
Ask the person what grieving normally looks like — what are the normal rituals that help with death? Is there an opportunity to have a virtual funeral? virtual gathering to mourn? lighting a memorial candle? setting aside time each day/night for mourning?
Gently suggest having your loved one write a eulogy and tell your loved one you will be there to listen and receive the eulogy.
Discuss looking through photos and sharing memories of the person who died.
Discuss making a scrapbook (digital or physical) to help the person commemorate the life.

3) Loss of a job. Your best friend loses her job, or takes a salary cut. She is worried about paying bills. She is scared for her future but feels paralyzed and unable to hop into action.

Meeting her where she is could look like: “So much is happening all at once. it is so overwhelming.”
Creating & holding space could look like: “I know this is really hard and scary. I am here to listen, to help navigate this time, or anything else you need in this moment.”
Acknowledging & validating might look like: “This is too much for anyone. You had the rug pulled out from under you. This is terrifying. It is okay to feel frightened and frozen right now.”

4) Loss of a special milestone/event. Weddings, bachelorette/bachelor parties, bridal & baby showers,
birth plans, holidays, etc. Your sister tells you she loves the virtual bris she was able to have, but she’s feeling really upset thinking about how different it was than how she envisioned it to be.

Meeting her where she is could look like: “You thought about this special time for so long. It isn’t how you pictured it.”
Creating & holding space could look like: “I know a virtual bris is not the same as an in person one. What were you hoping for the most? What is hardest for you?”
Acknowledging & validating might look like: “You don’t have to pretend that the alternative is as meaningful as the reality. You have done an amazing job at seeing the positives and it makes sense to feel the loss of this.”

Wanting to fix negative feelings is normal and natural. It is much more difficult to sit with someone’s sadness, with their anger, with their raw pain — just as it is. Witnessing the suffering of someone you love can be one of the most powerful ways to show support in the face of loss. Offering solutions and advice is wonderful, but only if and when the person you are offering it to is asking for it, and truly ready to receive it.

About Allie: Allie is a licensed clinical social worker at NYP, Allie has been sending a weekly newsletter called “The Positivity Project” to her colleagues on the front lines fighting this horrible disease (You can check out her newsletters: here, here, here and here!). Allie has also recently opened a private practice in New York called Kind Minds Therapy. Her practice is currently offering virtual therapy for children, adolescents, young adults, and parents, as well as virtual executive functioning coaching. I highly recommend following her Instagram @kindmindstherapy for daily inspiration and helpful tools, especially in light of everything going on.

Did you know there are multiple dimensions of well-being? Each email focuses on one element from the University of Michigan’s definition which encompasses: Physical, Emotional/Mental, Environmental, Financial, Occupational, Social, and Intellectual Well-being. Well-being is a passion of mine, and these tips & tricks are solely based on my own research and personal experiences.

Well-being Experiment #014. Supporting Each Other Through Grief & Loss

Guest Post #005. Supporting Each Other through Grief & Loss by Allie Finkel, LCSW

Written by Tracy (Wolfbiss) Cohen